June

June is not just a month for the frolicking boat races of young men, it’s about weddings and more specifically the bride. But who is Caddy the bride of; the man she loved and lost her virginity to, the man who fathered her child, he that she married? And I, defeated by the honor which in this family is most difficult to uphold. That is why I cannot do this, protecting all of you while only hurting you in return. Caddy, you lost Dalton because of me, the only man who would have made an honest woman out of you. You were ashamed of us, weren’t you? That’s why you could never bring your men home to us, what would have become of them at our hands? So instead you deserted us after we took everything from you. I don’t blame you, I probably would have done the same thing. So please don’t blame me for this last act, there’s nothing to be done to fix what I’ve ruined, what we’ve all ruined. 

Benji, I’ve failed you most of all. I know why you adored Caddy, she looked after you while everyone else tried to ignore your existence. We were buds once you’d grown, you didn’t make sense half the time, but I never really cared. I didn’t need Harvard at your expense, you deserved better. I hope you survive our parents better than I have. 

This stupid boat race, it means so much to you don’t it Ma? It’s the crowning glory of Harvard as this education is the crowning glory of your status and I’m just going to screw it up like I do everything. Well, be happy that this is the last thing I'm capable of ruining in your life. This thing they call chivalry in the south, well I can’t quite figure it out. You try to uphold the family name, be an upstanding gent, protect your siblings especially the women. You’re supposed to help me aren't you, both you and Pa to uphold the family honor? Do you see what I’ve become at the hands of your neglect? No of course not, because everyone would rather not see me. So I’ll end this eternal June that I’m living because it displeases all of you to have me as a son, brother, lover…I will leave the wreck of lives I’ve done everything to protect by not protecting myself.